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jenkI heard a speaker on Sunday, Anne Kitch, talk about 'householding', which she described as building a family that works, on purpose. She talked about how favorite memories are often based on rituals - birthdays, Christmases. Rituals can be used to build connections and/or reinforce a sense of belonging and identity ("our family hikes", "Santa brings our tree").
Rituals can also cause a lot of pain and strife. Whether a ritual is successful or not has to do with what you *do*, not what the ritual *means*. I thought that was an interesting thing to hear from a priest, aka "one who designs and enacts rituals frequently', myself.
She gave a few examples of family rituals she practices. One is family dinner. Start: light a candle and say grace. Middle: eat and talk, with a focus on connections, not conflict. End: She clears the table with help from the kids (since spouse cooks). Another was weekly family meeting. Start: each person gives a specific compliment to each family member, including self. (Apparently having kids aged 3 and 5 makes this interesting ;) Middle: going over weekly schedule: who has to work late when, who can get the oil changed, when to have requests for grocery shopping in by. End: singing. The kids wander in and out during the middle, but return for singing. She said they plan to start giving the kids allowances in a few years - and they'll hand them out at the weekly meeting.
It was an interesting talk, and I kinda wished I'd made the Saturday workshop (I think the singles section would have been cool). She also mentioned the books she used as source material. The Cathedral Shop happened to have one copy of the book called Intentional Family. I sat on the floor & read a bit, then bought it.
The focus of the book is on making conscious choices to reinforce the family - however your family is configured. The book starts by defining three terms:
The book is written from a pretty religion-neutral viewpoint. Most of the book is on various types of family rituals, with a practical attitude. Much of it could apply to any kind of rit.
Rituals can also cause a lot of pain and strife. Whether a ritual is successful or not has to do with what you *do*, not what the ritual *means*. I thought that was an interesting thing to hear from a priest, aka "one who designs and enacts rituals frequently', myself.
She gave a few examples of family rituals she practices. One is family dinner. Start: light a candle and say grace. Middle: eat and talk, with a focus on connections, not conflict. End: She clears the table with help from the kids (since spouse cooks). Another was weekly family meeting. Start: each person gives a specific compliment to each family member, including self. (Apparently having kids aged 3 and 5 makes this interesting ;) Middle: going over weekly schedule: who has to work late when, who can get the oil changed, when to have requests for grocery shopping in by. End: singing. The kids wander in and out during the middle, but return for singing. She said they plan to start giving the kids allowances in a few years - and they'll hand them out at the weekly meeting.
It was an interesting talk, and I kinda wished I'd made the Saturday workshop (I think the singles section would have been cool). She also mentioned the books she used as source material. The Cathedral Shop happened to have one copy of the book called Intentional Family. I sat on the floor & read a bit, then bought it.
The focus of the book is on making conscious choices to reinforce the family - however your family is configured. The book starts by defining three terms:
- "Institutional Family", aka the 'old' conventional family, where the family == the extended family, and individuals were supposed to meet the needs of the family. This leads to the sort of thinking where a daughter announces that she won't marry, so she can take care of the parents; where a son marries the woman his family picked out; where someone with a gift for law or music or medicine feels it's more important to carry on the family store. This sort of family has, by and large, been transitioning out of the general American culture since the early 1900s.
- The "Psychological Family", aka the 'new' conventional family, where family is supposed to be a man, a woman, and assorted children AND the family is supposed to meet the needs of the indivduals, especially the adults. When right-wing conservatives talk about the 'traditional family' or 'family values', this is the sort of family they're talking about. The emphasis on individual needs, and individual happiness, adds pressure to the family to 'produce' for its members in a way the Institutional Family didn't. In an Institutional Family, if the family worked well as a unit, it didn't matter whether individual members were happy or not. In the Psychological Family, unhappy adults divorce and move on to form new families.
- The 'newest' sort of family is the "Pluralistic Family", which doesn't have an "ideal form" and rates individual needs above the family's needs. He talks about how the Pluralistic Family is *good* because people can create a family that works for them, but sucks because it's real easy for family members to get busy, neglect spending time together, let their connections atrophy, and eventually the family doesn't have much to hold it together. After all, most things *do* tend to entropy.
The book is written from a pretty religion-neutral viewpoint. Most of the book is on various types of family rituals, with a practical attitude. Much of it could apply to any kind of rit.
