jenk

A quote that smacked me right between the eyes.

Let’s say you’re brought up in an abusive household, where if you ever admit that you’re wrong then your parents and siblings will use that as evidence against you in every future argument. The correct behavior in such a case is to never admit that you’re wrong, and to conceal every mistake you make. Given the people you’re living with, that’s the key to survival - a perfectly sensible reaction.

But once you’re out from under the thumb of your crappy family, this secretive, angry denial will harm you. You’ll fail at most jobs*, and if you ever date anyone who does trust you, your behavior will convince him that you’re a big liar. And he’s right; you are. Unless you change your ways, the kind of relationships you’ll build with people will – gotcha! – mirror what you had with your family.

You act one way when you’re trying to control damage from awful people, and act another when you’re trying to build bridges with good people. Treating the two as though they’re the same will destroy what you have…

…But treating bad people as though they’re good will destroy you.

— Stage Three Trust: Because You Asked For It

Oh, and the *? "* - Unless you’re President! Zing!"

This article on emotional intelligence (EQ) grabbed my attention:

You probably overestimate your emotional intelligence. Most of us do. You could get into real trouble when your EQ is extremely low — like posting naked photos of yourself [...] Most of us are not doing insanely stupid things. We are just doing a series of smaller EQ mistakes day after day.

At some point, if your EQ is too low, you will hit a wall. Most people notice the wall when they can’t get a job, because today, the job hunts that are most successful are based on networking skills — in other words, EQ. But here are other areas of the workplace that are becoming more and more important. And success in each of these three areas depends heavily on EQ.

Some tips from the same writer on making social stuff work for you:

Benefits of being a partial chameleon

Think hard about how you approach a group. Do you hope that the group conforms to you or do you conform to the group? As long as you respect the people in the group, conforming to them enough to form a bond is not a bad idea. [...] But you can find pieces of yourself that match up with just about everyone, if you are in-tune with yourself and other people.

5 ways to be better at office politics:

1. Don’t try to change or resist company culture including dress, communication styles and office hours. Being different does not work.
   
2. Practice self-awareness. This is a life-long task and every day you can become a little bit more aware of how people perceive you. Just doing your job is not enough. You need to do it in a way that makes a positive impression on everyone else.
   
3. Manage your stress levels so you can avoid emotional displays of inconsistent behavior and inconsistent messages. Most emotional outbursts come from unmanaged stress.
   
4. Be approachable all the time – in your cube, in the hallway, even in the bathroom.
   
5. Network before you need to network. Being good at politics means that you are good at relationship building, and you can count on a wide range of people when you need them.

What do these things have in common? Well, besides enough self-discipline to carry them out? I would say it's about providing a consistent experience for your coworkers. Yes, even #1 - if you really can't operate the way they do, then you probably need to find a new job.

Being likeable is a big part of office politics.

Most of us have to work at being likeable. Fortunately, [research] shows that the biggest impediment to likeability is not caring. So if you “just decide you want to do better,” you probably will.

Why is this important?

[P]eople judge your work skills as incompetent if you are not likeable — no matter what your work skills are. It may not be fair, but it’s what people do.

If people enjoy interacting with you, that will color the rest of the transaction. Plus, if you enjoy the interaction, that's a bit of enjoyment to your day you otherwise might not have had.

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It's a poem by Robert Frost, and the source of 'Home is the place where, when you have to go there, / They have to take you in.'

I read the full poem for the first time today, and these passages stood out to me.

He hates to see a boy the fool of books.
Poor Silas, so concerned for other folk,
And nothing to look backward to with pride,
And nothing to look forward to with hope,
So now and never any different.'

And nothing to look backward to with pride / And nothing to look forward to with hope

God, that's lonely.

Silas is what he is -- we wouldn't mind him--
But just the kind that kinsfolk can't abide.
He never did a thing so very bad.
He don't know why he isn't quite as good
As anyone.

It's just...ow. This reminds me of Certain Women: "Look, Em, you're bright. And Billy's not. That's something you can't understand. I mean, it's simply not possible for highly intelligent people to understand people who are not." There are times when understanding isn't enough, when differences are too huge. And it's hard.

I got roses :)

Jesse and I collaborated on dinner: Caribbean Lime Shrimp from costco, served with rice and a carrot-onion-green bean-corn-pea thing I threw together.

Then we moved into the library, where he'd drawn the curtains, put a sheet on the futon, plumped pillows, and set out candles & massage oil.

Some days it's better to be loved than good...