jenk

Monday afternoon I spoke with him, briefly, on the phone. I told him a bit about Consonance, that one band included a guy playing an actual metal washboard. Dad laughed and said that "You don't see that much anymore."

I left work at 4:30 and headed to Dad's Adult Family Home. He died shortly before I arrived. I spoke with the staff, several of whom I've gotten to know over the last 6 months he's lived there. Mel in particular was grieving. The hospice nurse confirmed the funeral home (Evergreen-Washelli) with me and that it was okay to take away the body. ( details for me )

Overall I think I'm fine. Then I feel very tired at the idea of doing something simple. I'm not 100% by any means, but I'm not incapacitated. I'm just ... here.

siderea posted on the meme's background at length, noting that it was developed as a learning exercise for college students about them and their classmates, and is meant to be applied to your life conditions at the time you started college.

For the curious, it appears to be based on the "Take A Step Forward" exercise at http://wbarratt.indstate.edu/socialclass/social_class_on_campus.htm.

( Me ... well, and my mom and dad. )

This is from a book by Jennifer James, most commonly known as a pop anthropologist/psychologist:

When I was teaching at the university, a talented young student informed me one day that she could be doing what I was doing. I agreed with her and suggested she enter graduate school. She said that wasn't fair; she should be able to do it without credentials because she was just as smart as I was. Why should she have to wait when I was already there?

James was professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washington Medical School for twelve years; presumably this occurred during those years, tho it may have been before she was a full professor. Either way, I seriously doubt that an undergrad could walk into the job and do it just as well. Tho I doubt she thought of it that way; it's easy to look at someone else and think, "oh, that's easy" and not realize what the full scope of the job is. Also, a lot of people think in terms of "I should be given job X because I want it", not "I can do job X well because of my experience with ____ and skills at _____, as demonstrated by ______".

Dreaming is wonderful; wishing is okay; but "if only" is a way of saying "never". It is an attitude that focuses on what you lack, on what others have, and that makes it difficult to care about yourself as you are.

For years I didn't get how "if only" relates to making "it difficult to care about yourself as you are". Now, I think I do: if you don't like yourself or see your potential, then why invest in yourself? When you're thinking "if only I'd win the lottery" or "if only I'd taken that warehouse job at Amazon before it went public" then you don't have to actually DO anything. You're off the hook. It's up to someone else - parents, God, friends, the Universe - to produce ....

It may be that the extra money or status or whatever would not give you what you really want; and if you don't like yourself, working on becoming someone you like is probably more important. But

[if you are] clear that more money and status would significantly add to the quality of your life, then go for it. Decide what you want to earn or do; list the sacrifices you will have to make (time, relationships, other activities, personal change); and make a plan. Read, study, question, and start building capital. [...] Accept full responsibility for doing it yourself. [...] Any money or status that comes through others (male or female) has strings attached and trades that must be made.

I can remember reading that years ago and feeling exhausted at the thought. But I also found it a useful way to think through whether I really wanted to do the work ... or not ... tho the things I did decide to do, I did one step at a time ... it seems a lot easier that way.

Quotes are from "I Want Their Money, Status, and Security" from Women And The Blues

We went to Todai's for lunch and didn't see anyone we knew. Weird...well, maybe not so weird. Just another reminder that I'm not at the con anymore. See, at con, you spend most of your time at one hotel and the restaurants nearby - so running into people is SOP. The outer bar chairs are popular because you can chat with whoever wanders by...

So, this con. I helped cyberangel_'s crew with setup, breakdown, and some stuff in between. I ogled straightened earrings, rings, necklaces, and so on. I learned how to run the new credit card machine. I got to runnerwolf's woo-woo panel and asked leading questions. I heard some new Heather Alexander songs, and pre-ordered her new album. I chatted with a bunch of folks I hadn't seen in a while. I laughed & cried & held the service book for Mir at the St Chiros Easter Vigil.

I was grateful for the friends & heart family who checked in with me over the weekend, which was largely why Springsteen's "Blood Brothers" touched me last night... Yes, all the walking and lifting and long hours and unfamiliar schedule, food & beds had their usual effects. I had some unexpected roadblocks too, mostly having to do with Mom and my "normal" Easter rituals. ( Mom stuff )

Anyway. By Thursday night I was an overly emotional mess. Friday was worse. But I dealt with it.

I am glad we got there Wednesday, so Jesse & I had a bit of "us time" before the con began in earnest. I was honored to hear yesterday that I was a big part of why someone else enjoyed the con.

Resilient people do not let adversity define them. They find resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs.

[One way to foster resilience ] is to maintain independence. Survivors draw boundaries between themselves and troubled parents; they keep their emotional distance while satisfying the demands of conscience. Resilient children often hang out with families of untroubled peers. As adults, the resilient children of alcoholics marry into stable, loving families with whom they spend a great deal of time.

Survivors cultivate insight, the mental habit of asking themselves penetrating questions and giving honest answers. They also take the initiative. They take charge of problems, stretching and testing themselves. ( ... )

Reframing is at the heart of resilience. It is a way of shifting focus from the cup half empty to the cup half full.

- From Psychology Today

Many are learning the art of stepping outside the past to create a better present. May we be able to give helpful nudges as appropriate...