in case you are short of sarcasm today

Demographers Postulate Existence Of Life Forms Over 35

If the existence of over-35 humans is proven true, it could revolutionize the demographic field and shake such related disciplines as test-marketing, focus-grouping, and niche-market target advertising to their cores.

I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation

The question is, what kind of company should I start? Something like Rite Aid would actually be pretty good. That'd be easy money. All they do is take a bunch of products somebody else already made and put them on shelves and charge more for them than they paid. Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Best Buy... shit, all those companies make a ton of dough without actually manufacturing anything themselves!

It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies

I had to take it day by day—one afternoon I mailed a card, another day I left a voicemail message on her business line. I didn't push myself too hard. I knew that if I overdid my expressions of sympathy, Laura might sense that they were contrived. It wasn't easy, but I managed to make it through the dark days of Laura's emergency leave of absence.

Employees On Other End Of Conference Call Just Want It To Be Over. Really. Yes, really.

I love You, but You Love Meat

After all the food issues in my circle of friends, this article on food & relationships naturally caught my eye:

“I went out with one guy who said I seemed really great but he liked bread too much to date me,” said Ms. James, 41, a writer in Seattle who cannot eat gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye.
[...]
Jennifer Esposito, 28, an image consultant who lives in Rye Brook, N.Y., lived for four years with a man who ate only pizza, noodles with butter and the occasional baked potato.

“It was really frustrating because he refused to try anything I made,” she said. They broke up. “Food is a huge part of life,” she said. “It’s something I want to be able to share.”
[...]
Food has a strong subconscious link to love, said Kathryn Zerbe, a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders at Oregon Health and Science University in Portland. That is why refusing a partner’s food “can feel like rejection,” she said.

As with other differences couples face, tolerance and compromise are essential at the dinner table, marital therapists said. “If you can’t allow your partner to have latitude in what he or she eats, then maybe your problem isn’t about food,” said Susan Jaffe, a psychiatrist in Manhattan.

The article also notes that commentary on sites like chowhound.com and slashfood.com favor medical and religious dietary restrictions over the "picky eaters".