envy & what to do about

[jenk]

This is from a book by Jennifer James, most commonly known as a pop anthropologist/psychologist:

When I was teaching at the university, a talented young student informed me one day that she could be doing what I was doing. I agreed with her and suggested she enter graduate school. She said that wasn't fair; she should be able to do it without credentials because she was just as smart as I was. Why should she have to wait when I was already there?

James was professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washington Medical School for twelve years; presumably this occurred during those years, tho it may have been before she was a full professor. Either way, I seriously doubt that an undergrad could walk into the job and do it just as well. Tho I doubt she thought of it that way; it's easy to look at someone else and think, "oh, that's easy" and not realize what the full scope of the job is. Also, a lot of people think in terms of "I should be given job X because I want it", not "I can do job X well because of my experience with ____ and skills at _____, as demonstrated by ______".

Dreaming is wonderful; wishing is okay; but "if only" is a way of saying "never". It is an attitude that focuses on what you lack, on what others have, and that makes it difficult to care about yourself as you are.

For years I didn't get how "if only" relates to making "it difficult to care about yourself as you are". Now, I think I do: if you don't like yourself or see your potential, then why invest in yourself? When you're thinking "if only I'd win the lottery" or "if only I'd taken that warehouse job at Amazon before it went public" then you don't have to actually DO anything. You're off the hook. It's up to someone else - parents, God, friends, the Universe - to produce ....

It may be that the extra money or status or whatever would not give you what you really want; and if you don't like yourself, working on becoming someone you like is probably more important. But

[if you are] clear that more money and status would significantly add to the quality of your life, then go for it. Decide what you want to earn or do; list the sacrifices you will have to make (time, relationships, other activities, personal change); and make a plan. Read, study, question, and start building capital. [...] Accept full responsibility for doing it yourself. [...] Any money or status that comes through others (male or female) has strings attached and trades that must be made.

I can remember reading that years ago and feeling exhausted at the thought. But I also found it a useful way to think through whether I really wanted to do the work ... or not ... tho the things I did decide to do, I did one step at a time ... it seems a lot easier that way.

Quotes are from "I Want Their Money, Status, and Security" from Women And The Blues